My iPad says 14 days to go. Really it's 13 days and about 1 hour. But who's counting.
I am constantly aware of the clock, the date and what I need to do. I am rushing at work, trying to tie up all the loose ends. I am busy at home, but not really scratching the surface of what I really need to do. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed. My blood pressure at my pre-op appointment was 157/91. Yikes. Normally that is much lower.
I know what to expect. I know about the pain. I know about the nerve block tube in my neck. I know about the night sweats. I know about the messy hair and "discussions" with my husband about my ponytail. I know about the scar. I know about the pain. I know about the "what happened" questions of concern from those who care and those who are nosy. I know about the pain. It doesn't mean that I like any part of this one bit.
Somehow all this knowledge is not offering any comfort. Somehow, this time doesn't seem to be any easier than last time. Somehow, facing another shoulder surgery, I am still scared. I can plan all I want, I can think I am prepared. But I am not. I am just as afraid as last time.
I have been brushing off comments of concern from family, colleagues and the kids with reassuring them that I will be provided with world-class narcotics and that will solve all of my surgery pain. But sometimes, there is pain that you can't take medication for. I am having my shoulder resurfaced. I can't have a Total Shoulder Replacement as I have too much joint damage. This sucks. This really, really sucks.
I have always loved the music of U2. At various stages of my life, their music has offered different meanings. I was listening to a broadcast of the Clinton Foundation concert, and I heard another version of "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". To me, today, this song resonates of me searching for the comfort I thought I might find in repeating a surgery. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
2 comments:
Hi Meg, I just found your blog through RA Guy. I really enjoyed reading almost the entire blog throughout the day. One of those - I have to sit and rest days after watching my grand daughter yesterday. I've put off having a TSR for over a year now. Since I am a new grandma, I wanted to wait until my grand daughter was walking. It's time, she's 20 lbs now and 14 months old, and it's really hurting to pick her up. Okay, I'm also being a chicken. I'm scared to do it. I know one thing, I'll feel better when I find a better doctor that does more TSR's than my current ortho. I am also nervous that he didn't think we need to do anything besides an xray beforehand. He said we'll find out what's there when I'm in there and fix it. I can't deal with that uncertainty. Anyway, are you happy with your TSR? I'm sorry you can't do the full deal on this shoulder. Just checked the date, you either had it done or will be tomorrow. Best wishes that it all goes smoothly, and thanks again for sharing your experiences here. RK
Hi RK,
Thank you for your warm wishes. I am very happy with my TSR and that is why I am looking forward to my surgery today. I had a CT Scan before my surgery to give my doctor more information before he went in, but I don't know what other docs do.
I had my first surgery when the kids were 2 and 4, and it was tough, but I had/have a great husband and a good support system!
Megan
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