Given my medical history, I'm not all that squeamish. I've had dozens of joint injections, a total shoulder replacement, monthly bloodwork for years on end, two babies and a knee scope. For the most part, I've been there and had that done for everything RA and baby related.
So why, when I was watching Grey's Anatomy last Thursday, was I squeamish when Meredith asked for a "10 blade" and was cutting someone open? A "10 blade", according to Wikipedia, is for "cutting skin and muscle in surgery". Well, I should just stop reading right there. Internet research, as everyone knows, is not always in your best interest. Like the time I was looking for more information on Shoulder Replacement Surgery and came across a video. I should have just stopped watching, but it's like a train wreck.
I'm going for an IV infusion tomorrow of my Actemra. I'm very excited about my new IL-6 blocker Biologic. As with most companies that sell Biologics, there were some helpful staff at Roche available from 8:00 am to 8:00 pm to help with my questions. For $24,000 a year in treatment costs, they are quite willing to work with my benefits company to get it paid for.
While I'm writing in a fairly cavalier manner, in truth I am nervous - anxious - jittery about all this. I am going to sit in a treatment centre with an IV in my hand for 60 minutes while fancy expensive drugs run through my body. I calculated that the drug costs $33.33 per minute. Silly calculations are the things you do when you are jittery. Drinking scotch is the other. Check and check.
I can see myself moving into pre-surgery behaviour. I am making plans so my schedule is full. I am checking and re-checking details for no apparent reason, and I have 27 days to go before someone asks for a 10 blade to use on me. I have an app set up on the iPod to countdown the days. There's an app for everything.
Not to put too fine a point on what's happening in 27 days, but I am having major surgery. For the 4th time in my life. I'm 36. Right. Where's that Scotch?
A colleague and I were talking music and concerts we've been to, and REM came up. I love REM. I went to see REM in Ottawa in 2005. Their song "Everybody Hurts" has applied to everyone reading this, at some juncture in their life - so I'll hold on and make it through this.