Sunday, March 20, 2011

Toeing the Line

All my life I've been good, but now, I'm thinking "What the hell?"

Good words from fellow Canadian Avril Lavigne. The song is a pop anthem, but every now and then there is a kernel of wisdom to be found in a Top 40 song. While she was talking about busting loose after a relationship, my take is more along the lines of being sick of toeing the line.

I'm such a responsible person. I really am. I pay my taxes. I don't skive off work. I take care of my family. I take my meds. I drink lots of water. I try to eat lots of fruits and veggies. I exercise how and when I can. I toe the line.

All this has gotten me where, exactly? Is it that I would be less healthy if I didn't do these things? In the grand scheme of things, I guess that is possible to be less healthy, but in the grand scheme of things, you could also be arthritis-free.

I've been gainfully employed since I graduated, for the most part with out a break. I've never done something utterly irresponsible. I don't really have that luxury having RA. I need to sleep. I need to take meds. I needs to take care of myself, or else I seem to "pay" in some way.

It's tiring and frustrating having RA and having to be responsible. All.The.Time. As Avril says, All my life I've been good but now I'm thinking "What the hell?"

I'm with you Avril.

Sunday, March 13, 2011


Meh is the best word to describe what I am feeling these days. The Urban Dictionary is a endless source of entertainment, and I've included their definition of meh.

I am not great and I am not bad. However, for all the medication that I am on, I think I should be feeling better. I keep going back to my state of health just before I started Enbrel almost 2 years ago. Enbrel helped for a little while, then it stopped. I switched to Humira last October, and it helped me for a little while but now I'm not sure I feel all that much better than I did before I started my Enbrel almost 2 years ago. In the past 2 years, all I've done is reduced my Prednisone by 5 mg per day and seen no significant improvements in my health. Sigh.

Almost 2 years of Biologics and no progress is swimming through my brain this morning. I have a Rheumatologist appointment in about a week, and I am trying to figure out what I want to say. He'll ask how I'm doing, and I don't really know. I'm just OK. I want to be better. And that presents a whole other set of issues. I am busy (just like the rest of the world). We are building a new home, decluttering (oh, how I loathe that word) our current home to put it on the market and I am working far too much - both in the office and at home. So I can't seem to find the time to get some exercise. I know if it was really important, I would. It just isn't right now, I guess.

I'm not sure if my state of health is a result of my life right now and being busy and stressed, or if there is an issue with my meds not working properly. I'm not sure how to answer that one. Perhaps some answers will come my way...