Not Good

I was listening to my favourite podcast a few days ago, the "Ongoing History of New Music" hosted by Allan Cross. I've been listening to this show on and off for over 30 years. The episode was a tribute to Gord Downie of the band the Tragically Hip, who passed away in October. In the episode, there were snippets and quotes from Gord directly, and one struck a chord too close to home and I started to tear up immediately.

"Humour comes from these bare, bottom of the barrel moments that would crush people, even if they knew they happen to you. You help each other through these things. You forget them because the brain tells you to forget them. You have to artificially resuscitate memories like these."

Two parts resonated with me.

First, using humour to get through moments that would crush me. The sheer number of surgeries, pills, pain and tears of the past 26 years could have easily crushed me. I use humour and a positive attitude to get through my RA stuggles. 

Second, the idea that you need to forget some of your experiences to keep moving ahead, that they are buried deep in your mind as a form of self-preservation. You can't have them at the forefront, the pain is too great.

Looking ahead, I don't know if there are enough laughs to pull me through. I've been having increasing pain in my right shoulder (yes the one that has endured eight surgeries since 2011) and I'm terrified. I started in denial. Work was insanely busy in October and very stressful. I blamed the pain and discomfort on stress. It's now several weeks past the stressful time, and the pain is there, and cropping up at rest. For those in the know, pain at rest is not good. For anyone. Ever.

As I type this, I'm waiting for my rheumatologist to appear in the consult room. I'm going to start by talking to him, but I know the real next step is a trip to my shoulder surgeon. I'm trying to put my utter panic on hold until I have further information. It's not going well.

The Hip are still on my mind, given the passing of their lead singer. While the content of this song is not necessarily relevant to my post, the mood, the melancholy feeling and chorus resonate with me. "Long Time Running" describes my relationship with RA and reminds me it's not ending anytime soon.