So we are just getting back from a week of Disney vacation. It was exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. Lots of walking, lots of laughs, lots of standing and waiting, lots of roller coasters. We had a great vacation. Given my upcoming surgery, we wanted to have some fun before my surgery – as fun will not be easy to find for a while.
I was watching a Mickey and Princess show on the steps of Cinderella’s castle with my seven year old daughter, and it was all about dreams really do come true. It was an uplifting and heartwarming message for all the kids there. So, why was I crying?
Mickey says if you make a wish your dream really can come true. I haven’t found that to be true thus far, granted I've been a bit down lately. I mean, who cries at Disney during a Mickey performance?
It got me to thinking - what would be my wish? Would it be to live pain-free? To “cure” my RA? To ensure that my children never have to go through this awful disease? Would it be to fix my shoulders once and for all? On the final countdown to my surgery, I'm having a hard time finding any silver linings.
I am wrapping myself in a familiar cloak of introspection and an overwhelming urge to be alone. I've gone to that place where I distance myself from the reality of what's to come as a coping mechanism. It's quite sad, really. I don't have any tears left to cry for this surgery. I'm on auto-pilot as I know - for the most part - how this week and next is going to unfold. I'll be crabby and on edge all this week. Thursday and Friday will be a daze of drugs, pain and lack of sleep. I will be angry, uncooperative, stubborn, tired, scared, potentially immobile and trying to cope through tuning out the world as much as possible.
I know what’s coming and I am afraid. I’m afraid of the outcome. I’m afraid to hope. I'm afraid the surgery is going to be another failure. I’m afraid of the dependence on others. I’m afraid of being a burden to my family. I’m afraid of the unknown – I’m having a piece of my hip bone removed and grafted into my shoulder. While I may be a veteran of shoulder surgeries - this being my third - harvesting bone from my hip to relocate to my shoulder is new for me. That’s scary and I'm afraid.
While vacation was a brief and welcome suspension from reality – we are on the last leg of our flight headed home, and reality is waiting. I'm sure listening to my favourite band - The National - is not helping. They are not exactly what I would call "uplifting". I generally try to mix up the songs associated with my posts, but their song "Afraid of Everyone" is stuck with me. Here's hoping they have the drugs to sort me out after surgery.