It's not ok and I am not fine

So, it seems I will be having another shoulder surgery. I don't know how many times, how many years in a row I can type out the words "this is so unfair" or "I can't believe this is happening". I re-read my posts from last year around this time, and the emotions are sobering and similar, only amplified. It's worse this time around because the last surgery was supposed to fix my shoulder - and so was the one before that, and the one before that. It was supposed to buy me a few years - maybe five or ten - to bridge me through into my forties. And it didn't. And I feel cheated.

I am not fine. It's not ok. It will likely never be ok. This is going to be a ongoing and increasing struggle for the rest of my life. And some days, I just don't want to get out of bed and face it all. I have too many responsibilities to curl up in a ball and cry. But it's really tempting some days.

I am overwhelmed with emotions of grief, anger, betrayal, emptiness coupled with constant pain. Sometimes I take the medication and feel better, sometimes I have a scotch or two, sometimes I just simply cry. This disease take so much from you. With four shoulder surgeries in five years, and four flares this year alone, it's not been a good year.

As I progress closer to my surgery date (30 days and counting), my ability to keep it together is tenuous at best. And when I pause to sit and think about it, past surgeries have provided a similar emotional roller coaster in the final few weeks. Currently, my emotions are loosely packed in by thread with lots of scissors in my life waiting to expose my current - and fragile - emotional state.

I went to a concert by the band "The National" last Friday at Folk Fest here in Ottawa - one of my favourite bands of the past year. I've been listening to their recent album for the better part of a year, but hearing their song "Graceless" live, I attached myself and my current circumstances to the lyrics. I've not been as graceful about this surgery as I would have liked. There is no stiff upper lip, keeping calm and carrying on. I'm pissed. And vocal. And I hate this. It's not ok and I am not fine.