Sunday, January 12, 2014

Just not worth it

I went to a hockey tournament this weekend with my son and fifteen eight year old boys and bunch of parents. It was a two day tournament - the team lost in the quarterfinals, but had a great time. For anyone who has been to this kind of event before, there is lots of waiting around for games, time at the hotel and time to kill between games. In other words, lots of social time. I really like the parents on the team - everyone gets along well.

But it takes energy to make polite small talk - energy I just don't have. I don't have the physical or emotional energy to be "up" and "happy" and "social". If I could find a cabin for a week and hide out, I'm pretty sure that I would right about now. I just don't have the extra energy it takes to be socially happy where you are laughing, entertaining and talking. I am still flaring. I am tired. I don't have the capacity for this right now.

For me, this is a significant shift. I am usually quite social and extroverted - my energy comes from interacting with others. Recently, though, I am craving time alone with music, the internet or a book. I really just want to withdraw from everyone. I just want to be alone.

On the second night of our stay, many of the parents let loose and had a reasonable number of beers over an extended evening which ended at 2:00 am. Normally, I would have been right there with them - well at least until midnight. But - for me - the amount of emotional and physical energy that it would take to hang out and talk and be social and the lack of sleep and the resulting flaring pain - it just wasn't worth it. I have limited energy and I don't want to spend it on that.

I've been listening to "Houses" and their song The Beauty Surrounds. Ok, I admit, it's a pretty sad song - but it suits me today.

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