A scotch and a good cry

Sometimes you need both. And sometimes you need them at the same time - like today. I'm nearing the end of my short-course, high-dose prednisone treatment and I'm scared. I can feel the flare just out there at the edges waiting creep back in and take over. My hands are cramped in the morning, and this is with 10mg of prednisone - I'm afraid to see how they do on their own.  I honestly think the only way I made it through the holidays was on a prednisone-induced and very artificial high. I'm afraid of what next week holds when I am done with the 'roids. 

I know prednisone plays havoc with your emotions. I've experienced 'roid rage with all the highs and lows before. Prednisone and I go way back. When I sat down to write tonight, I thought it would be a good idea to walk down memory lane and take a look at posts from the past year. Not my best idea. Lots of tears and a good couple fingers of scotch later, I'm still upset.

In re-reading my posts, I have a third party detachment from the experiences detailed there. But that's not right - as it's my blog, my life and my experiences. I think that with detachment is how I need view my RA - because if I were to feel all the pain, the fear, the despair, the anger, the sadness, the regret and the full emotion associated with my RA experience, I wouldn't find any of the positives. Please don't ask me to name any positives today, it's not a silver-linings kinda post. My blog acts - at times - as a poignant reminder of everything I've lost and gained. Today there's more loss than gain. I'll bounce back. I always do. Just not today.

I've always been a fairly emotional person and - at times - felt defensive that my actions and life are so ruled by my emotions. According to Google, emotion is defined as "a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others". I think my emotions are amplified by the steroids today, but the kernel of truth is there - I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm tired. And that's a fairly normal reaction to unknown pain and uncertain health. I don't know how much of my pain and inflammation will be waiting for me next week. And I'm afraid to find out.

I've been listening "Hearts like ours" by The Naked and Famous. It's a song about courage and being brave, That's good - I need all the help I can get.