True Colours

Deep breath. Here goes.

I haven't been writing lately. I haven't been writing lately as there is a giant black hole of depression just over there in the corner that sometimes feels like it's about to swallow me whole. Other days I'm ok, keep to myself and can work around it. It's been there, on and off, larger and smaller, waiting for me in the corner for the past five months. That's a long time. This is hard to write. I'm still waiting to chicken out and delete this post.

The phrase I've been using is "flirting with depression". I don't know if I'm depressed - that is such a big, big word. I am certainly not happy. I'm sad about many things, big and small. I am more emotional than normal. I want to be alone as much as possible, often regardless of family needs. I am not really talking about it to many people. I am having some good days, bad days, a good month - June - and then several bad months. I'm crying - a lot - sometimes uncontrollably. And other days I feel a version of normal. But it's a slippery slope pulling me back, down and under. The black hole in the corner is ever-present and looking to gobble me whole.

Recent news of my imminent do-over shoulder surgery has really pushed me over the edge. I don't know how to process this set back. I don't know how to name the emotion - and if I can't name it, I can't get over it, around it, through it or or past it.  I am surviving - not living, going through the motions without any emotion.

I was inspired to write by this post at Remicade Dream. I know it's not just me whose ass is getting kicked by RA and depression. When I went to write this post, I thought of the song first, and then found the words to write. "True Colours" speaks some of the words that I just can't say right now.