I give up. I'm done. I'm out. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for a few days. I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm in shock. I'm incredulous that this is my life. A Hollywood tear-jerking drama has nothing on me this week. You really can't make this up.
It's been 22 years of pain, inflammation, doctor's appointments, drugs and that constant knowing that your life is likely a little less because of something you had absolutely no control over. I'm tired. I've lost my fight. It's been a tough 22 years, and I'm just bone-weary tired.
I've got scotch and a sad music on. I spent much of last week working a lot and informing colleagues, family and friends of my impending surgery. To say it was an emotionally draining week, would be an understatement. I'm exhausted. I can't take anymore sad eyes staring back at me as I explain that the shoulder I just had surgery on a mere 21 months ago needs further repair. I feel like I'm talking about a life other than my own. I have a detached third party view - like it's not actually my life. But it is.
It's not the surgery itself that bothers me. It's the mountain of pain, dependence, disability, rehab and feeling like a lesser person that looms behind the surgery date that I'm overwhelmed and saddened by. This isn't my first rodeo. It's my 3rd. Yes, you read that correctly - 3rd shoulder surgery in 4 years. Have I mentioned I'm 38? It's just so unfair. There. I said it. It's unfair. I'm so very angry with the universe. I'm not ready for the "silver linings" conversation. I'm not interested in being happy or seeing the bright side of things right now. I just want to wallow. With a giant bottle of scotch. Beautiful 16 year old Glenlivet. Not a long-term solution, but this week it seems to be doing the trick.
I'll pick myself up. I always do. But for now, I just want to be sad. I was trying to find the most melancholy and gut-wrenching song to attach to this post. But over the weekend I found some lyrics and a song that sum up my situation. Bastille's "Pompeii" where they ask "How am I gonna be an optimist about this?". Excellent question. I haven't figured out the answer yet.