Denile is more than a river

Denial is a state of mind, and a lovely place to live, I might add. For a few weeks (months?) I have been feeling a little under the weather. Less energy, pain in my feet which has now spread to my right hand. I wake up with a claw-like right hand that takes some coaxing to get moving in the morning - and it seems to be taking longer and longer for it to get going. I can see the puffiness and feel the pain. This morning I found myself asking my son to be careful with my hand - and that was an hour after I woke up. Hmm, that was a bit of a wake-up call for me.

I think I've been in denial about this flare for a while. I have moved passed "compromising" with my Prednisone, and have gone to full "capitulating". I am taking 2 mgs per day of Prednisone and still taking a double dose of Dicofinac. And am trying to talk myself of out of calling my rheumatologists' office to move up my appointment from mid-July. I am also trying to ignore the fact that certain shoes (even my trusty old runners) make my feet scream because they are squished and Crocs or flip flops are my best friends.

I've been dealing with RA for 19 years and still I am baffled as to why I flare. In my mind, if I get enough sleep, don't drink too much, don't over or under exert myself, eat well, take my meds, lower my stress and laugh a little that I will somehow manage to not flare. It seems that my RA isn't responding to my formula for health. And it's frustrating.

It's not my worst flare, it's not my best, but a flare by any other name still hurts the same.

Compromise

Ever since I moved to 1 mg of Prednisone per day, I've been struggling with various joints. It's now getting onto 7 weeks, I just haven't been moving well - creaky knees, sandpaper hips, curled up fingers. In late March, I talked to my rheumy and we agreed to change my Diclofinac to Naproxen and see how things would go as I didn't think the Diclofinac was doing very much. Well, they didn't go much better with the Naproxen and throw in some stomach issues, to boot. So after a call to my rheumy, he suggested I take my Diclofinac twice daily. And I move my prednisone up to 2 mg. I said no to the Prednisone but yes to the increase of Diclofinac.

The Diclofinac is not doing much better at two times per day . . . and it got me to thinking about my relationship with Prednisone. I have the perception that Prednisone is the root of all evil and the giver of life at the same time. I do not like all the side effects I have experienced and some I continue to experience, however I love the way it helps me move significantly better.

I talked to my hubby - his thoughts were that it is just a number (2 mgs instead of 1 mg) and my quality of life would improve. In the end, he is right. It's just a number and I shouldn't get too attached to it. I will get off Prednisone soon enough, but not this week or this month. I think I am holding on to this so much because it is the one thing that I can control, and while it doesn't make sense to live in pain because I want to take 1 mg of Prednisone, it seems that is what I am doing.

So, I compromised (caved?). I'm alternating days of 1 mg and 2 mg. I took my first 2 mgs last night before bed and woke up a new woman - well at least there was no obvious pain and I didn't creak as much as I used to. Damn you, Prednisone, for making me feel better . . .