Saturday, April 7, 2018
Sheer will is not enough
Have I ever really acknowledged that I'm sick? That my ability to move through life is any different than the "average" person. No, not really. I've just barreled through life assuming I could keep going - often out of sheer will. But the fatigue of 26+ years in this battle is taking over, and sheer will is failing me.
For the first time I can recall, I'm going on a business trip and not extending it by at least a day to see the local sights. I'm off to our Reading, UK office, which is about an hour train ride from London. And I didn't book an extra day to wander around, as I'm utterly exhausted from the pain in both my feet and my shoulder, and the thought of expending that kind of energy is too overwhelming for me right now.
This feels like a tipping point for me. Usually I'll just try my best, dope myself up with appropriate medication, and give it a go. This time I gave up before I tried. I'm really tired from trying and trying and trying to have a "normal" life, which I define as a life where I can do everything I want.
My colleague was describing my latest surgery adventure to her husband, and she kept describing me as having lots of hutzpah. I like that word. It says to me that there is a certain amount of spunk and determination.
I feel my determination slipping away, as it is no longer enough. I may have finally realized that I'm not like everyone else, I can't just do everything I want and I am starting to take my disease more substantially into consideration when making plans. And the scary thing - to me - is that I'm no longer angry. I'm just sad. And resigned and seem to have lost my fight a little. I'm overwhelmed by my life right now, and extra energy to put on a good front or push ahead is simply not available.
The first song that came to mind was "Bulletproof" by La Roux. Perhaps next time I can be bulletproof and do whatever the hell I want without accounting for my RA.