Nothing to say

Odd to start a blog with saying that I don’t have anything to say. I have lots to say, I’ve just said it all before and don’t want to say it again.

I’m having another shoulder surgery. There, I said it.

As it turns out, there is space around the base plate of my socket on my right shoulder, and is likely moving, causing me pain. The good news, is that there is a source of my pain and it is mechanical, therefore – theoretically - fixable. I’m a bit a cynic when it comes to my expected surgical outcomes. Surgery hasn’t always gone according to plan.

Nerve damage. Inability to move my arm. Infection. Failed surgery. Increased pain. Loss of range of motion. Just to name a few.

They will take bone from my hip and move it into my shoulder to build up the bone stock. And then put me back together. A few surgeries back I had bone removed from my right hip. The pain from my hip was almost as bad as the shoulder, and quite memorable in the intensity and duration. Post-op I had a cane and a sling.  I was quite the sight and it was a really rough recovery.

In weighing out the risks versus benefits of tackling another surgery, the counterbalance is pain. I can’t continue to live with the pain that I have right now. I’m not interested in this level of pain for an indefinite period of time. My shoulder will not magically get better on it’s own – I know that for sure. That leave my choices at pain or surgery.

I’m picking surgery because I still have hope. I still believe there is a better shoulder out there for me, hopefully one that lasts more than 2.5 years. I thought I’d found it in 2015, but it seems there is another fork in my road, and I have another surgery to go. I’m only 42. I can’t give up yet, and – more importantly – it’s not in my nature to give up. I can be quite tenacious and headstrong, and with my RA, this seems to be serving me well.

A fragment of a lyric was stuck in my head, and I managed to work it out the song and the band. My taste in music is quite diverse, and it include some a fantastic punk bands called Green Day. Before you don’t follow the link as you are not interested in having your ears blown out, this is one of their more mellow tracks – Good Riddance. I’m at another fork in my road and hopefully I’ll find a better path ahead.

Sheer will is not enough

Have I ever really acknowledged that I'm sick? That my ability to move through life is any different than the "average" person. No, not really. I've just barreled through life assuming I could keep going - often out of sheer will. But the fatigue of 26+ years in this battle is taking over, and sheer will is failing me.

For the first time I can recall, I'm going on a business trip and not extending it by at least a day to see the local sights. I'm off to our Reading, UK office, which is about an hour train ride from London. And I didn't book an extra day to wander around, as I'm utterly exhausted from the pain in both my feet and my shoulder, and the thought of expending that kind of energy is too overwhelming for me right now.

This feels like a tipping point for me. Usually I'll just try my best, dope myself up with appropriate medication, and give it a go. This time I gave up before I tried. I'm really tired from trying and trying and trying to have a "normal" life, which I define as a life where I can do everything I want.

My colleague was describing my latest surgery adventure to her husband, and she kept describing me as having lots of hutzpah. I like that word. It says to me that there is a certain amount of spunk and determination.

I feel my determination slipping away, as it is no longer enough. I may have finally realized that I'm not like everyone else, I can't just do everything I want and I am starting to take my disease more substantially into consideration when making plans. And the scary thing - to me - is that I'm no longer angry. I'm just sad. And resigned and seem to have lost my fight a little. I'm overwhelmed by my life right now, and extra energy to put on a good front or push ahead is simply not available.

The first song that came to mind was "Bulletproof" by La Roux. Perhaps next time I can be bulletproof and do whatever the hell I want without accounting for my RA.