Feels like we only go backwards

This is the theme for my past month. I feel like I'm going backwards, with no chance to get off the ride called RA.

I'm flaring again - not as severe as Christmas time, but enough to self-medicate with some steroids, think twice about how much energy I have for activities, be worried about my sleep and shuffle around like an old woman every morning for 1-3 hours. Yep - textbook flare.

I started my self-medication regime about four days before seeing my rheumatologist. I am not generally comfortable with taking medication not specifically prescribed, but I think the implicit permission is there from your rheumatologist when he ensures at your last visit you have an ample supply of prednisone for your flares (read: 150 tabs with 2 repeats. That's a lot of pills).

At my appointment we had a good discussion around my state of health. Is my biologic failing me? Is my disease more active? Am I stressed? Tired? Worn down? The answers to the last three questions would be a resounding "yes" across the board. I feel it pertinent to mention that I just found out that I have low iron, which would be a fairly strong contributing factor to my recent above average exhaustion.

We decided on a course of methotrexate with some prednisone to get me through the next month while the methotrexate comes on-line. I've been on and off methotrexate over my years with RA. We are not great friends, but it can be an effective drug for me. I don't like being on it - the side effects for me aren't pleasant. Hair loss, mouth sores, fatigue, nausea. Fun stuff. Oh, and it ruins my relationship with scotch.

The frustration for me, is that based on my current state of health, I felt like I was going backwards. This was me 3 years ago, and it was not in line with my vision of running and biking my way through this summer again. I am a runner. I am a biker. I saw these things fading to black in the background based on my third mini- flare since Christmas. The bitter taste of disappointment is hard to swallow.

At some point last week, I reverted to my worse sick self. I'm feeling sorry for myself, and was accepting my lack of health without a fight. If nothing else - I'm a fighter - and I'm trying an alternate course of action before I throw in the towel and take the methotrexate. I'm going to take my artificial prednisone-induced health for spin - literally.

My current plan is to try moderate exercise - biking - for two to three weeks and see how I feel. I have a sneaking suspicion that with some exercise enabled by steroids I may be able to work through this flare and get back on track for the summer I envisioned.

So far, so good. I've had two rides this week and my body hasn't told me in any significant way that I've made a mistake. I feel good. I feel strong. I feel empowered. I can do this.

Tame Impala is a band I've been listening to recently, and they have a fantastic - and very aptly named - song "Feels like we only go backwards". I'm hoping to go backwards to last summer. I was a really good summer and worthy of a repeat.