It may have been in or around a month since I've posted. I just didn't know what to say and/or didn't want to face a keyboard with what was rattlling around in my head.
I saw my Rheumatologist last month. I should give him a name - Dr. Kraag. Just in case there are any followers in Ottawa who are in need of a super rheumy. My stats show me that more people read my blog from the US than Canada and all the other countries combined. I have a strong Canadian presence (Hi Mom and Dad), but not sure about my fellow arthritis folks in Ottawa...
I am going back on Methotrexate, is the sum from my meeting about a month ago. Yep, I'll get right on that. It's been a month and I've done very little about that. Methotrexate and I go way back. I was on pills for portions of my University years, and more pills and then some injections in my adult life. We have a long history, MTX and I. But I just can't quite seem to get the needle in my leg.
I actually asked to go back on the drug. Yep, I asked to lose my hair, have mouth sores, feel nausea and fatigue.This all goes back to the constant battle that I have. I don't feel like absolute crap, but I don't feel good either. I'm just meh. So will more drugs help? Who know. Let's stay tuned.
Giving myself an injection doesn't scare me, the side effects aren't great - so what is the delay? Apathy, perhaps. Absolute craziness in work and family life, perhaps. Integrating a new routine, maybe. I just don't seem to care is the perfectly honest answer. I am not flaring, but I can't walk more than 20 mins without some joint screaming and I don't seem to care. And somehow, I'm not sure this will help. But I keep trying.
Do you know that while I am only 36, I can't really remember my life pre-arthritis? Hunh. There's a thought to consider at a later date...
"I wanna know where my confidence went, one day it all disappeared
Well I don't need a doctor to figure it out, I know what's passing me by
When I look in the mirror, sometimes I see traces of some other guy."
Words that I get from a very distinguished Canadian band, Blue Rodeo and their song " 'Till I am Myself Again". I am also waiting until I can find myself again.