Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I give

Ok, ok, I give, I give. I am not superwoman, I am a mere mortal. I am not impervious to the rampant RA that runs amok in my body. As much as I might want to pretend.

The other day, as I was creaking my way around getting ready in the morning, and I paused to grimace and thought about what I was trying to prove to whom. I am stubborn. I rise to a challenge. But this was kinda stupid. I was in pain, getting more inflamed by the day for what reason, exactly?

I tried to go off Humira and MTX to see if they were working. Well, it seems they are doing something. I am not as sore as quickly as I thought I would be. But things are starting to deteriorate at a rapid rate these days, which is 8 weeks since I started my hiatus. I can feel my left elbow and right shoulder grinding. That can't be good. As of tonight, I am back on the wagon and will be faithfully taking my meds.

At my next rheumatologist appointment, I'm not sure what to say. Humira was doing something, but I think could do more. I'd like to try another drug. I don't want to settle for feeling "ok". I find it somewhat reassuring that I still have some fight left in me. It's been 20 years. I've had RA more of my life than I haven't. It has so clearly defined me, I can't extract it. But I want to have a better state of health. And I have some hope that there is a drug combination with some wholesome food and some exercise that can help me get here.

One day, I'd love to have nothing to blog about. How's that for a goal?

Continuing my "music as therapy', I'm listening to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Isreal "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole. Somewhere over the rainbow, there is a state of better health for me.

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