White room, dark thoughts

I think most of my rheumatology appointments make me stop and pause. Here you are, in the white room, waiting for the white-coat doctor with nothing except your thoughts to entertain you. I find that I pause to think about my RA, and how it brought me to this room at this time. It's just so upsetting when you stop to think of the totality of what I've been through and what it has cost me.

In life choices that you make, you never really know the road not taken. You don't know how your life would have turned out if you had not started a job, made a friend or been diagnosed with a different disease - or no disease at all, for that matter. But every now and then I catch glimpses of what life might have been like and I feel a strong sense of loss. I see my friends who are active, have energy and don't have to portion their day out based on the energy they have for what they want to do vs. what they have the energy for. Why do I have to choose?

Here's the thing I've been wanting to write about for a while, but the words just haven't been there. I am so ANGRY with my RA. My life, my job, my children, my husband, my parents, my brother, my friends have all been impacted by this disease. I feel that some of my life choices are not my own and most days I put on a smiley face and get through it - whatever the "it" happens to be that day. Not today. A storm has set in, and I can only see the black clouds, not the silver lining.

I am jealous, angry, grieving. I am bone-weary, empty, afraid.

I am glad to get this out of my system. As I've written before, I'm grateful for the one-way communication that a blog affords. It may or may not be heard, but I feel better having said it.