I Hate Stairs

I can almost see my parents smile when they reads the title of this post.

"I hate stairs" was one of the phrases that started my RA journey. I was 16 when I was diagnosed and I was in a high school with two floors and no elevator. When I was flaring it would take extra time to get to class, and usually I would wait for all of the kids to be in class before I started to one-step it up the stairs. I didn't want the attention. My teachers knew that I was recently diagnosed and gave me some latitude in getting to class on time.I remembered that my science teacher called my "creaky".

So, I'll stop denying it now - I am flaring. It hurts. I am in between Biologics and it's showing. I am returning to my full-flare tricks and habits. Shuffling after I get up from a chair, loathing stairs, looking for the elevator at work - even though it is at the opposite end of the building. Un-bending my fingers in the morning as they have curled up overnight.

I went for a walk with my four year old daughter in Gatineau Park , and we picked Pink Lake to walk around (she, of course, likes pink). The start of the trail is on a lookout and you walk down some stairs to get to the trail. I walked down fours steps and started to cry. I just couldn't do it. The ups and downs of the trail leading there had been enough and my knees were screaming. And Chelsea said "Momma, what's wrong?" I said that mommy's knees hurt like her shoulders hurt and I didn't think I could walk down the stairs. She said "That's OK. We can go back to the car. I love you."

I feel so bad. She's four and her life will be shaped by a mom that can't do stuff. Already, at four and six, my kids know that daddy can carry them and mommy can't and that mommy's shoulders hurt. And mommy is going to the hospital to have her other shoulder fixed.

And the positive voice in my head says that I have many other attributes and abilities. Kids are resilient. They will grow up to be more empathetic adults. They will see past disabilities.They will be more caring. This is what I hope for.

Probably a bad choice, but I'm wallowing a little and so I am listening to Adele's song "Someone Like You". Powerful song with only Adele and a piano. It's coming to terms with a breakup, about moving on. Bittersweet, like my day today.